


are we in love? (and if so, to what end?)

by Nitrobot



Series: VenomCat Stories [2]
Category: Spider-Man (Comicverse), Venom (Comics)
Genre: Communication, Dorks in Love, F/M, fear of intimacy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:56:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29922048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nitrobot/pseuds/Nitrobot
Summary: The heavier aftermath of Eddie and Felicia’s first night together.(Title taken from this iconic piece: https://catcrumb.tumblr.com/post/638511328768688128)
Relationships: Eddie Brock/Felicia Hardy
Series: VenomCat Stories [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1315946
Kudos: 7





	are we in love? (and if so, to what end?)

**Author's Note:**

> This ‘missing scene’ takes place immediately after chapter 29 of Black, White and Red All Over. Looking back on that fic, I was always worried about whether I made the growth of Eddie and Felicia’s relationship believable enough- hell, that’s always been my main concern with shipping fics, I feel that I sometimes rush vital parts just to get to the sex since I know that’s all that most people are interested in. It’s now been almost two years since I finished that first VenomCat fic, and though I’m confident that I did my best to tell a good story I know now that there’s a very important missing piece when it comes to two (well, three including Symby) people falling in love- confronting the doubts and uncertainty with each other. It took so long for me to realise this was a missing piece because I had no real experience with falling in love myself, at least not until now.  
> A few months after I finished BWRAO, I entered a relationship with the wonderful man who is now my fiance. Over the last two years I’ve dealt with anxiety and insecurity that stemmed solely from being in love; from wondering what expectations he has of me and if I’ll ever be able to meet them, and wondering if I’m really worth all the effort it surely takes to put up with someone like me. To be in love with someone is to be at your most vulnerable, which is a terrifying thing even if you trust them. You open yourself wholly to them, you hand them your heart and everything within it, and you can only hope that they don’t break it.  
> Our second anniversary will be in May, and I hope it’ll be just one of many to come.

Felicia’s kitchen was cold, though maybe it just felt like that because her hair was still damp from the shower, or because the coffee she was holding was so much warmer. It was the only reason why she took careful sips from it, not for energy that she didn’t need. If anything, the heat in her belly only made her feel sluggish and dazed. 

She noticed Eddie hadn’t drank any from his own cup, and he seemed so immersed in taking down notes and then striking them out a second later that he’d probably forgotten it was even there. 

“Problem is, if I act like Venom wants to keep his relationship private then my boss will tell me to just make shit up anyway. But if I tell everything about what happened at Central Park, the gang survivors might come after us if they know we were involved. And we still don’t know what the hell happened to the Hood, so he might track us down if I say too much...”

It was hard to tell if he was talking to himself or to Symby. Maybe he was _always_ talking to her, since she was always there. And if she was saying anything back, Felicia couldn’t hear her. 

She didn’t mind, either way. It was hard enough trying to read through the newspaper in front of her without a ghost voice in the back of her head- she’d read a sentence twice, three and then four times, and still not be able to absorb what it was actually saying. 

Eddie had only briefly skimmed the article, looking for things that he could either refute or steal for his own page, but Felicia felt like she had to see what was said about her after so long spent away from the media spotlight. The picture of her and Venom told most of the story anyway, but it still wasn’t enough for her curiosity.

...How long ago had it been when pictures of her and Peter had made the front page of the Bugle? She didn’t know why that suddenly mattered to her. 

“Felicia?”

“Hm?” She looked up at Eddie sitting opposite her, a brief jolt of awareness making her spine go stiff while the knowledge that he was there, in her kitchen, _worrying_ about her, made her cheeks flush despite the chill in the room. She’d already known he was there, of course, but when she actually _thought_ about it she could feel an ache forming at the base of her skull. It wasn’t even a _bad_ ache, just a constant awareness of the situation that made thinking of anything else difficult.

“You look like you’re about to pass out,” Eddie said.

Well, that was probably another reason why everything in her head felt like sludge; she’d been awake for only a few hours, but with all that had happened even before she woke up she likely needed a full week of nothing but sleep to recover. 

“Probably.” Felicia sighed to squash down a yawn. “Neither of us got much sleep last night.”

“Want me to leave so you can rest?”

Despite the fog around her brain, her reply was instant. “No, no. Not yet.”

She didn’t want to be alone, because then she’d start thinking clearly and then she’d be in trouble. But mostly she just didn’t want Eddie to go away. Not until he had to, or until he chose to. She wondered where Symby was, if she was saying anything, if she knew some of what Felicia was thinking. 

What _was_ she thinking…? 

About Eddie, of course. The man kissing her on the front of the newspaper. The man that was sitting here across from her, like this was where he belonged. With her. As if he really believed it.

Apparently he did. If what he’d said last night had been true. If he hadn’t just been exhausted, confused, lost in his symbiote and memories. 

“What do you remember about last night, Eddie?”

He looked up from his notes, and his eyes lit up like he was grateful to be distracted. “What do I remember? You want the long or short version?”

“Just… whatever stands out the most for you.”

“That doesn’t really narrow it down in my mind, to be honest.”

Felicia couldn’t help but smile, a small flicker on her lips that she dampened with a sip of coffee. “I remember you scared the shit out of me, for one thing. Almost dying like an asshole.”

He averted his gaze for just a second as his jaw clenched, a concession of guilt. “Sorry about that... it’s kind of a habit.”

“And you gave me a pretty good orgasm.”

“Just ‘pretty good’? I’m hurt, babe. You’ve broken my heart already.”

“And you said you were in love with me.”

Eddie froze. She knew he would, which was why she brought it up.

“...I did?” he asked.

Felicia said nothing, didn’t nod because she knew she didn’t have to.

“Oh shit, I _did_ … uh… shit. Probably not supposed to say that on the first, uh… first night…” He rubbed his forehead with both hands as he hissed in air through gritted teeth, like the memory was something painful, something he regretted. That was what Felicia heard, and her own jaw clenched with her somber understanding. 

“Did you mean it?” she asked him, more forcefully than she’d originally intended. But she had to force her voice out, otherwise all that came from her throat was a meagre and silent gulp. Eddie’s hands were still on his head, fingers holding back his hair from his eyes as he looked down at the table. 

“...I don’t know how to answer that,” he told her.

“You don’t know whether it’s yes or no?” she pressed on, despite how much she knew it must have been hurting him. 

“I don’t know which one you want to hear.”

“Well. Which one is true?”

He finally raised his head with his hands gripping the back of it, sitting back in his chair with great weight. “Which... one do you _want_ to be true?”

“It doesn’t matter what I _want_ you to say, Eddie!” Felicia threw her head back in exasperation, hating how helpless and lost she must have been making him feel, but still needing to know what was in his head. “I… I want to hear _you_. I want to know...” Suddenly self conscious, Felicia curled her arms around her half-empty mug and turned her body away.

“...If you really meant it.” She tried to mask her whisper by pretending to take a drink, wishing she just hadn’t said anything. What did words really matter? They were just used for excusing and deciding actions. His actions were what mattered. He’d saved her life, several times. He’d come home with her. He’d stayed with her, whenever she asked him to. Why was that not enough?

Why did she _have_ to know any more than that?

Why did he have to go and say that _stupid word_?

“Felicia…” Eddie bit off a sigh, covering his eyes as he fell forward in his chair. He looked like a fish out of water, desperately opening his mouth to try and draw water in through the suffocating air. “It’s been… a very long time since I’ve… felt like this. About someone who’s human, at least. I don’t want to say the wrong thing and… scare you away so soon.”

At first Felicia resisted the urge to touch him. She didn’t want to compete against Symby under his skin, who was probably doing the very same. But he looked like he needed the warmth of someone else, and she put a single hand on his arm just to assure him that she wasn’t going away anywhere. She felt his veins thrumming with blood and silent symbiote. 

“It’ll take a lot more than that to get rid of me, Eddie.” She was known for never taking a hint, only realising she wasn’t wanted until it was too late to do anything about it.

“Even if I…” His voice trailed off, and his throat must have closed up from how he coughed, like sandpaper caught in his throat. “Even if I... did mean it?”

Felicia’s hand fell to Eddie’s elbow, when she lost the strength to defy gravity for any longer. 

It was the truth all along… and he was ashamed of it. That didn’t surprise her. 

“I think you’d be making a big mistake, in that case,” she told him, and there was a skip in his pulse under her fingers. 

“...Okay. I get it. I’d be wasting my time. I get it.” He stood up so abruptly that by the time Felicia realised her hand was empty he was already almost out the door.

“Th-that’s not what I meant, Eddie, let me finish!” Felicia almost kicked her chair over as she shot up, reaching over the table as if she could drag Eddie away from the doorway with nothing but her mind. She managed to make him stop, at least. Or it might have been Symby holding him in place. Or maybe he stopped all on his own, with second thoughts about abandoning her. Whatever it was, Felicia knew that it would only last for a few more seconds. 

“Please just sit down… please.” She stayed standing until, slowly, Eddie closed the door and retrieved his seat without turning to face her. But, in his profile, Felicia could see his eyes looking down at her hands. She had them splayed on the table, but as she thought of what to say she found herself wrapping and unwrapping her fingers together, over and over as if the right words could be coaxed out of her bloodstream somehow. 

She’d never had someone in love with her before. She’d made more than a few errors in judgement before, thinking a man loved her when it was only because he didn’t know the _real_ her, even letting it happen several times with Peter. 

But Eddie knew her. Symby certainly knew, when she’d gone so deep into her brain that everything hidden down there was laid out like a gallery. They knew what a trainwreck she was when it came to emotions. And they were both still here. It made no sense. She had to _make_ sense of it, even if it put her heart on the line. 

“Believe it or not…” Felicia chewed her bottom lip, fighting back a stalling sigh. “I’m as unused to all this as you are. I can deal with men wanting to fuck me, or _thinking_ they want something more before they come to their senses. But you… I can tell you’re serious. That’s what scares me.”

After a moment Eddie turned his head slightly, finally looking at her. There was pain filling his eyes. “I don’t want to scare you, Felicia.” He sounded like he was offended at even considering such a thought. 

“I know you don’t. But it’s not _you_. It’s… the fact that these things never end well for me. You know... well, Symby knows all about that.” But she didn’t know how much Symby had told Eddie, or showed him. She never would know, really. She took a drink of coffee to stop herself from thinking too much more about it, though it had already gone cold. 

“I know you’re different, Eddie. I know you’re a good man. Symby knows you are. And I’ve seen it for myself. And it makes me want to…” She found a lump in her throat, struggled to get around it until she forced the words of her confession out all at once.

“It makes me want to love you, but I know I’ll get myself hurt if I do.”

Eddie looked at her, either taking his time to absorb what she said or thinking of what to say himself. Whatever was in his head was making it hard for him to keep his eyes clear.

“...Is it because I’ve already hurt you before?” he asked as his voice cracked.

“I-” Felicia didn’t realise what he meant at first, but when she did- 

_He wanted to kill Pete. I loved Pete. I tried to protect him. He tried to kill me…_

“No, it’s… it’s not that.” Though the memory had her shaken, she spoke the truth. That wasn’t the Venom she knew anymore. But Eddie still sat there with his head in his hands and with a muffled groan of regret.

“I never even apologised for that, fuck, why am I so bad at this-?!”

“That has nothing to do with it, Eddie.” Felicia grabbed his arm again, forcing him to at least realise she was close, feeling his pulse hammering at miles at minute. “I don’t mean _physically_ hurt, and I don’t mean I’m scared of Venom. It’s… it’s more complicated than that. And it’s probably just me overthinking things. But I feel like I have to. I have to be ready for things to go bad...” She was suddenly aware of slumping over in her chair, leaning in towards Eddie. And though she didn’t want to tear herself away, she knew she had to stand up before she did something stupid, like start crying or whatever. She emptied the leftover coffee into the sink, turning her back on Eddie so she didn’t have to see what she was doing to him.

“Why do you think I’ll hurt you, Felicia?” he asked, so plaintive and confused that she felt guilty for thinking he would- even though she had to. She had to be prepared for the inevitable, so that this time it didn’t consume her. 

“Sooner or later, I’ll do something wrong,” she told him, a reminder and a threat. “And you won’t be able to stop yourself. And then you’ll know… what kind of mistake you made.” 

Peter had known it, eventually. She’d hated him for it at first, until she realised that she really had no-one but herself to blame. And Eddie was smart. He’d know it too, sooner or later. Probably sooner. Hopefully later. But, no matter what, he would know, and even if he tried to do the decent thing and cut her loose gently it would still be nothing more than damage control. 

Her eyes and nose were starting to ache. She wasn’t going to cry, dammit, she _wasn’t going to fucking cry-_

Dammit. God dammit. She left the water in the sink running for too long, and now the floodgates were open. 

“Felicia…” She heard Eddie stand up, tried to wipe her eyes dry without him having to notice, but something must have told him that she broke. His arms were warm around her, large enough to completely engulf her in nothing but him and his breath and his still-fresh sandalwood scent… and Symby, of course. She pooled in Eddie’s fingertips, and Felicia almost heard a purring in his pulse that forced her to smile despite her tears. 

“You’re not a mistake,” Eddie told her, right into her neck where she leaned into the soft touch of his mouth. “Not now, not ever.”

She wanted to wrap herself in his voice, his certainty that everything will be okay. And she wanted it to be. Despite every other time, she wanted to believe so badly that this one last time would be different. Because _he_ was different.

“You know a lot more about love than I do, Eddie,” she mumbled against his chest, right where she could hear his heart, where Symby was whispering to her to take her tears away. “Is it normal to be this scared of it?”

“Yeah. Yeah, it is. If… that _is_ how you feel, I mean.”

“I think it is. I think…” 

But she didn’t need to think anymore as he kissed her. It could have lasted for a minute, or for an hour. It still ended far too soon.

“...I have to go, Felicia.”

“I know.”

He kissed her again.

“I don’t want to go.”

“I know.”

He kissed her a third, final time. 

“I love you.”

“I know.”


End file.
